In Darkness and Quiet.

I need to put in a good word here for...darkness.

For clouds.

For overcast, even for fog and rain sometimes.

And for early dusk. Long, lovely nights. And deep, unbroken quiet.

Shortly, we'll be heading into the springing-forward madness of clock adjustment that is Daylight Saving Time, something that I probably liked as a kid...but which I no longer like as an adult.

There are many reasons for this, the biggest one being that--of course--there's no reason for it anymore.

No. Really.

My understanding was that originally, it was meant to "extend daylight" for farmers. So they had extra hours of sunshine in the fields when they were working sunup to sundown, and thus could get extra tasks done at what would normally have been a darker time of day.

But frankly, I don't even know if that's actually true.

Before we lived in the Promised Land of the Eastern Time Zone, my son went to school in it--at Michigan. And he used to tell us, come springtime, how late into the evening it was "still light out." Like, 10 PM.

I have to admit, I thought he might have been exaggerating a tiny bit.

Until I saw it for myself.

If you live in the Eastern Time Zone in the springtime, when DST happens...

...suddenly, you're going to bed in full daylight.

No,  I don't mean "light" like "Land of the Midnight Sun" Alaska "perpetual dusk."

I mean the sun is still above the horizon when you're heading to bed.

This makes precious little to no sense for schoolkids, if they're young enough that they need a decently early bedtime to get enough sleep for school the next day. But it's equally nonsensical for those of us who weren't in school, but who got up frightfully early to go to work in the morning.

If you're getting up at 5:30 or 6 AM, you need to have a reasonable bedtime. Like, 9:30 or 10:00. 

But at 9:30, it's barely sunset yet.

And if you've had a rough day and you're thinking of turning in early?

Better hope you have room-darkening shades.

Fourth of July fireworks displays, in the Eastern time zone, don't take place in full darkness, like they can pretty much anywhere else; full darkness doesn't hit until 10:30 PM, when most shows elsewhere are finishing. So all your "dusk" fireworks shows happen when the sky really isn't dark enough yet to show them off. And that's only one of the aspects of this silly time-adjustment thing that I find irritating.

What I have to wonder, even more so as I get older, is what the obsession is with sunlight.

And why so many people seem to hinge their mental health on it.

It's said that when Chopin was a boy, he would play piano in the dark; he would deliberately blow out the candles, and then sit down to play. Which may be why his music is some of the most evocative, touching, and soul-stirring stuff you can experience. (Play it in the dark sometime. I dare you. And have the tissues handy.)

In today's culture, those of us who prefer clouds, who enjoy "softer" light and earlier evenings, are looked at askance. Sometimes people out-and-out ask what's "wrong" with us.

But maybe the problem isn't in our preference for darkness.

Maybe it's in the obsession with bright light, long days, and never-ending activity that stretching the sunlight beyond bedtime seems to encourage in so many people...

...the same people who complain about "how tough it is to disconnect" or how "overwhelmed" they feel by "everything happening everywhere all at once."

I would submit that those of us who aren't afraid of a few shadows could--no pun intended--"enlighten" those people a bit about the need for greater balance. Daylight...and evening. Bright...and dark.

The question is, would our inquisitive audience be willing to "unhook" from sunshine, bright lights, and perpetual busyness long enough to appreciate what can happen on the other side.

That some truly deep thinking, some truly profound creativity, can happen in subdued illumination.

That some incredibly beautiful work can, in fact, be done...in darkness and quiet.

I love the long winter night. The stillness of a world not incessantly in full-tilt "carnival" mode.

I live for the day more people "come out of the closets" of enjoying those kinds of nights--and more subtly lighted days, too.

And of appreciating the largely unplumbed depths of times of silence and shadow.

Could you?

Janny

Excuse the Dust!

This blog is presently Undergoing Renovation.

No, I'm not changing the basic background or colors, despite some recommendations to do so. I like this background and these colors, and the work involved in shifting to an entirely new set of themes would be massive. And I'm just lazy enough not to want to undertake massive work for something that's only one tool in my writer's kit.

BUT...

I do want this to be readable and sensible and easy on the eye in other ways.

Which is why the type size has increased over the last year or so.

The problem is...I have years of entries in this blog that were done "the old way."

And in the process of changing computers, operating systems, et al, some of the formatting in those old posts has gone completely skawapity. 

Which means I still have semi-massive work to do, going into those old posts and revamping them so the formats and type face work again. 

I encourage (okay, beg) those of you who've just discovered this blog to feel free to plumb its historic entries...but just be aware those might look really strange for a while.

I'm fixing them. Batch by batch.

In the meantime, dust cloths and feather dusters are at the door.

Feel free to avail yourselves of them...or of a magnifying glass, if need be.

It'll all be better...soon. I promise.

Thanks!

Janny

"Et Tu, Brute?"

The last thing you expect to encounter, in an armload of novels from the library, is an assault of hypocrisy. Unless, of course, you're deliberately courting such things by reading certain nonfiction. 😏

But this is a different kind of hypocrisy.

It has to do with women, and the perception of "oppression" or "abuse" or "harassment," or...

...whatever victimization the feminists want to latch onto this week.

Because, as so often is the case, this "victimization" is one in which women are fully cooperative.

Hook. Line. Sinker. And Lingerie.

No, I'm not talking about the Victoria's Secret catalogue. I'd imagine those ladies get paid a handsome amount of money to get pictures taken in underwear, and if asked directly, they might well claim it's their way of "owning" their femininity and a stroke on the side of "body image pride."

But you can't go anywhere, have a conversation online or off it, nowadays without having to hear a litany of incessant whining about how it's "unsafe" for women to so much as take a walk anymore by themselves in public, in broad daylight. That men will ogle them, follow them, try to see where they're heading, or accost them, in subtle or not-so-subtle ways...and that it's barbaric. When I was a girl, we were told to "ignore" the construction workers and other guys who would whistle and/or feel free to make comments about our physical appearances as we walked by. We were told that's just the way "some men" were, and that it was a shame, but if we didn't reward the behavior, it'd stop.

The fact that apparently it hasn't stopped, after all this time, is appalling. I'll grant you that.

But let's also talk frankly about the other side of the coin, shall we?

Yes, there is another side. And yes, I'm sure you can see it coming. And I'm sure you're braced already to lambaste me from here to heaven and back for daring to even suggest that we women sometimes are our own worst enemies when it comes to men respecting us...or even us respecting each other.

I'm not going to go into the argument that women should remember to put clothes on before they go out in public...and some don't. That's a dead horse that no one will tolerate beating anymore, at least not without screeching your ears raw in protest. 

What is bothering me today is how much of what's in print--in novels clearly designed for a female audience--betrays that we really don't respect ourselves much, either.  

Again, I'm not talking nonfiction.

I'm talking novels.

And not erotica, either.

I ran into an instance this past weekend that about curdled my coffee.

I started a book that was supposed to be a cute rom-com. By an author from whom, if the gushing blurbs can be believed, the rom-coms are always cute, always funny, and always a bright spot in one's reading life.

Only by the time I was in chapter five, I couldn't go any further.

Why?

A conversation between our heroine and a guy who the reader knows is going to be the hero. Meeting unbeknownst as to whom each other is, as two strangers at a bar. Flirting.

Nothing wrong with that...except in the form the flirting takes literally seconds into their exchange.

When the heroine says something along the lines of that it's okay because it's "just flirting," and "no one's going to see each other's undies," and then she expresses relief at that because she doesn't know if she wore "cute" ones or not. But it's when she follows it up with a line about "guys probably don't care about that" that things go south. (Pun intended.)

When our "hero" comes out with, "How do you know I'm wearing any?"

And the next line is our heroine feeling a "hot flash."

And I sat for a moment, mouth open, unable to believe what I'd just read.

Ladies. With all due respect?

If some strange guy at a bar comes out with a line about whether he's wearing underwear or not?

How is that attractive?

How is that even okay?

Some strange guy at a bar starts talking underwear, that's not flirting.

That's perv territory.

That's me picking up my drink and heading to the farthest corner of the bar that I can get away from him.

It's not cute.

It's not sexy.

It's creepy.

It's everything we claim we don't want men to be.

Everything we'll crucify them, in the court of public opinion, for.

Yet there it is, in black and white, supposedly put in for...what?

Laughs?

Titillation?

Hints of horizontal mambo to come?

And how do we not see how completely hypocritical such things are to put in women's fiction?

Let me say it again: this isn't content in some girlie magazine that a guy's going to use for fantasy purposes.

This is supposedly flirting language. By a woman who initiates it. In a book aimed at women.

A book not even being sold as "hot" or "spicy."

So...if we think this is cute, and sexy, and flirtatious...

...why isn't it okay for men in real life to behave the same way?

I'm not saying it is.

But neither is it okay for us to put such things on the pages of our books, giggle about them...

...and then vilify men when they think things like that are okay to say to us in real life.

They're not.

But they're not okay for us to say to ourselves, or each other, either. 

Not even in "fiction."

Not even in "fun."

All the "me-too" crusading in the world won't instruct anyone to treat us as anything but objects if we write books in which we treat ourselves as such. Or men as such.

Let's stop being hypocrites on the page--and in what we show the world of ourselves.

Because objectification ain't gonna stop...

...until we do. 

Thoughts?

The Dirty "C" Word, Part II

When we last left our heroine, she was sticking her toe in the contentious waters of Debunk, calling an unclothed emperor naked...about the "dirty word" that so much of creatives' social media is quick to abase. I'm sure you've all seen the posts that go something like this:

"The longer I write, the more I know the secret of really being successful in it--realizing we're not in competition with each other. We're all in this together. What benefits one of us benefits all of us. So when you succeed, I celebrate!"

Doesn't this sound wonderful? Doesn't this sound unselfish, and noble, and accomplished?

Yeah. It does. Only when I see one of these "evolved" souls spouting this sentiment, I have all I can do not to type back:

"Well, Petunia, I'm thrilled you want to celebrate my success, and I'm happy for yours. But don't think for a minute that that means we're not in competition with each other. We are, and we will be until the day one of us kicks the bucket. So stop trying to pretend you've reached some exalted level of enlightenment, and admit it."

By now, many of you may think I'm mistaken about which "dirty C word" I'm talking, and I'm actually dealing in cynicism. If I am, it's because another perfectly good, innocent word has taken way too much undeserved rap, and I'm simply fed up with nodding and smiling along to something I know originates from the posterior end of a bull.

The question is how competition became such a "dirty word."

The obvious answer is that we're being manipulated to feel like we should take the "enlightened" road. We should be mellow, and detached, and unfailingly positive. Above all, we're told repeatedly, we live in an "infinite universe" of possibility, and success isn't like a pie--giving someone else a slice doesn't mean there's less left for me. "A rising tide raises all boats." Right?

Um. How do I put this tactfully?

WRONG. 

 

The plain fact is that we don't live in an "infinite universe" of possibility. 

Yes, human beings have infinite potential (given to us by an infinite God). But our world is FINITE. As in, it has LIMITS. 

If a NYT bestselling author or some celebrity with a tell-all signs an 8-figure contract, that does nothing for me. 

That particular "rising tide" doesn't raise my boat; it swamps it.

Because the money that goes for that book...by definition...cannot also go for mine.

Harsh, but true.

We all know this. So why are we afraid to say it? If we openly admit we're competing, and that we want to "come out on top"...does that somehow taint our art? Make us an evil person? Render us "less worthy" for the universe to reward?

CAN wanting to come out on top taint your art? Sure. If your "want" becomes such a driving force that you're ruthless about bending or ignoring rules, cheating, walking over people and/or using them to get your end results.  Heck, it's not just tainting your art in that case; it's tainting your life.

CAN competition "make" us evil? Only in the sense above. But even that's not competition's fault. Remember the adage "Adversity doesn't make the man; it merely reveals what he truly is"? The same goes for competition. It doesn't "make" someone evil unless he or she's got a streak of evil already inside that's just waiting for an excuse to take over. And even then, in a person with sufficient character, that evil won't get enough of a foothold before he or she draws a line in the sand and calls her/himself to account.

CAN competing in the marketplace--wanting to win--render us "less worthy," somehow, of "cosmic reward"?  Put aside for the moment the fact that the "universe" can't give out rewards in the first place (because it's a created thing without power of its own); that alone negates the question. But even without that consideration, if the notion that you're not "worthy" of something unless you pretend not to desire it sounds silly to you...it's because it is. Even the Bible says, "Ye have not because ye ask not." Competition--setting our sights for something, declaring a clear want, and determining a course of action to win it--not only isn't evil; it's Scriptural. If you doubt this, look up the Epistles and count how many times Paul talks about "running the race" and "winning the crown."

"But there's enough to go around for everybody!" you cry. "Why do we have to talk about 'winning' and 'losing'? Why can't we just 'compete' with ourselves?"

Because the truth is when it comes to material success in the marketplace, we know--because we have common sense--that, many times, there really isn't enough "opportunity" to go around for everybody. 

Probably the clearest illustration of this I can give you is traditional publishing.

Publishers have X number of slots available for X type of books. If mine and yours are both the same kind of book, and they're being shopped to the same publisher...it's only human nature for you to hope your book "wins" and mine "loses."

Is that because you wish me ill? I hope not. Is it because you're an evil person? I would assume not. It's because only one of us is going to get that slot.

That's not "scarcity thinking." That's a simple mathematical and economic fact.

Acknowledging that fact and working with it will take you a lot further than trying to resist, fight, decry, condemn, or deny it. And it'll sure take you a whole lot further than the "participation ribbon" crowd thinks you can go.

Best of all, though? The real secret?

Competition is one of the best ways to make--or deepen--some whiz-bang achiever friendships.

It's a well-known phenomenon that athletes can be the best of friends off the field--and enjoy nothing more than beating each other on it. Brothers (or sisters) are the same way. And there's nothing hateful about it: it's a simple desire to "be one better" than those you know the best and respect the most. (Not to mention the good-natured bragging rights element!) If it does become acrimonious in some way, often that's because things happen outside competition that affect the relationship negatively--NOT because one person was striving to be better than the other. 

Long ago, a mentor of mine was asked by her husband why she helped new writers. "You're training your competition," he pointed out. "Why would you want to do that?"

Her answer was genius.

"Because," she replied. "Do I want to be the best writer in a group of mediocre ones, or the best writer in a group of really good ones?"

That, ladies and gentlemen, is why competition isn't a dirty word.

It, in fact, is a gift from God. It keeps us on our mettle. It makes us constantly look over our work, learn and grow, so that when that slot opens up at a publisher, they'll say yes to us. And, yeah, we know that by saying yes to us, they'll say no to someone else.

But there's nothing evil about that, unless we turn it into a way to hurt people.

And it doesn't have to demotivate anybody, unless they're ready to let it.

So maybe we should stop treating our fellow artists like hothouse flowers...and just admit that we'd relish winning a slot in a publisher's catalog--or getting more 5-star reviews for our self-published work--when "pitted against" someone whose talent, work, and personal friendship we esteem highly. And give them the permission to feel the same way right back at us.

That's what we're really "in together." In competition. In a race for a crown.

I'll be glad to cheer you on...but someday, I want it to be my turn, too.

And I'm going to do everything I can to make that happen.

Thoughts?

Janny

The Dirty "C" Word, Part I

Okay, now, don't get too excited.  Of the many "C" words that might occur to you, the word I'm talking about today isn't actually risque--except, perhaps, in the minds of fellow creatives.

That word is...competition.

(Some of you may need to sit down and fan yourselves at this point. Feel free.)

A pretty ridiculous notion has taken over the creative world of late. This wouldn't be surprising, in itself: creative people can be just as ridiculous as uncreative ones. But this notion has been embraced so rapidly, completely, and radically that it borders on the closest thing to religion some of these people have. And fundamentalists ain't got nothin' on them when it comes to upholding this shining credo, and shaming those who dare to challenge it.

The notion?

That as writers, we don't compete with each other, because "we're all in this together."

Whoever came up with that notion? Ought to be taken out back and doused with cold water. In January. In the Northern Hemisphere. 

Because it's simply NOT TRUE.

Let me say that again.

Wonderful, warm, and affirming as it sounds to say that all creatives are "in this together"--and therefore, never, ever, ever, ever, EVER in (gasp) competition with each other--it's NOT TRUE.

Real life experience will prove this over and over and OVER again. It's even common sense, not to mention backed up with fact. 

But just try going on social media and saying that out loud.

Go ahead. I dare you.

This blog post is even stepping out on a ledge.

So where did this cockamamie notion come from? 

I suspect it has its roots in a couple of sources.

First, the influence of New Age thinking, The Secret, and all the rest, which preaches a "limitless universe" and scolds us against a "scarcity mindset." And, in one sense, this has some veracity. Publishing, after all, has become rather limitless; you can put together a book and "publish" yourself, any time you like. You simply have to have the resources to cover all the details involved, from buying ISBNs to cover art to copyright registration (just to be on the safe side), and voila! You're a published author. You're independent, you collect all the profits yourself, and no one stands in your way. 

In terms of publishing "freedom" and "access," this is great. In terms of quality?

Yeah. Sometimes, not so much. 

(But the few times I've said that out loud, I've gotten raked over so many coals that no wonder my skin gets thicker every year. Never mind that it's true; it still gets the kind of knee-jerk vitriol we used to reserve for animal abusers and serial killers. 😒)

Second, I believe it comes straight out of the participation-ribbon mindset: that people should be rewarded and applauded merely for showing up, breathing, and standing upright. That heaven forbid we should dare to say one thing is "better" than another, or that one "wins" and another "loses." The self-esteem damage of losing does terrible things to our young ones' confidence. It demotivates them. It depresses them. It can damage them forever, and forever keep them from achieving their true potential. Potential, according to these people, needs constant affirmation, watering, nurturing, reinforcement, and praise in order to develop fully. Any negative assessment of efforts to do so? Any aspersion cast on them, or evaluation of them that is less than glowing, or constructive criticism of them? Will bring about certain disaster. Maybe even physical damage, but certainly emotional. And, hence, tragedy.

Apparently, potential--be it writing talent, musicianship, artistic endeavor, or anything else--has no strength in itself. If not coddled like the proverbial hothouse flower, it will wither and die before it even takes root. Young (or even not-so-young) artists are to be celebrated for effort, and rejoice in that the only people they're "competing" with are themselves. 

Only problem is...that ain't how the real world works, Karen.

And it's long (DAMN long) past time someone was brave enough to say it out loud.

Before the denial of reality does way, way more damage and breaks way, way more hearts than that evil competition monster could ever do in a thousand lifetimes.

I'm here to tell you that not only is competition not an evil monster...

...but that we're all doing it, all the time. And it's long (DAMN long) past time we realized that, admitted it, and put it to work for us, instead of trying to shame it out of existence.

We'll talk more about that in part II!

Janny

Timing...Is...

Long ago, the hubs and I did a prank message on our answering machine that has the title above as its punch line...but this post isn't about that. Trust me: if you're curious about that story, I can tell it in another post. And I probably will.😀

This is about a realization prompted some time ago when I heard "The Swan of Tuonela" on Music Choice--and was swept away with memories.

But also, with wonder at the genius of God's timing.

Let me explain. 

Jean Sibelius's "Swan of Tuonela" was one of many pieces on a listening list for music theory and ear training for me, 44 years ago this summer at Harper College. And, yes, I remember most of the pieces almost indelibly, for many reasons. One of which was, it was one of the few times in my life I've ever gone to summer school. The reason behind that, and how what came next unfolded, leaves me in awe to this day.

I was in summer school to take semester 2 of Music Theory and Ear Training/Sight Singing for the Music major track. Our instructor in the 101-102 track had alerted us that we needed to take these over summer; if we didn't, the 102 courses wouldn't be offered again for another year, and that would screw up the sequence of being able to accomplish two years' worth of music education in, literally, two years. 😉

A very small group of us took these courses. Maybe a dozen, total. Of which one was my future husband. Which I didn't know at that point...because at that point I was already (unhappily) married to someone else.

Come the fall of 1979, my ill-advised (and invalid) marriage dissolved...and I became friends with Patrick. And, as they say, the rest was history.  But consider, for a moment, how God arranged this timing.

It's only dawned on me recently that Patrick wouldn't have been in those classes, in that sequence, with me had he not started at the same time I did--which was January of 1979--in Music Theory 101. But he graduated from high school in the summer of 1978. So the logical time for him to start in Theory would have been fall, not January. 

Only for some reason known only to Harper College (and God), the Theory sequence didn't begin during fall of 1978.  Had it begun at the point a freshman might reasonably expect, he'd have been ahead of me. Which means we might never have met...had Harper College (and God) not timed their course offerings the way they did. 

Had he been in a "track" a semester ahead of me, we would never have done homework together.

Would never have been thrown together for tutoring, as one of our professors did when she realized I was pulling As in Ear Training while he was struggling.

Might never have been in chorus together, although that's still a possibility...but that association was so peripheral that were it all we had, it wouldn't have carried us into the closer relationship that sharing the same classes, for the rest of our music education, did.

I've always said I "lucked out" in terms of meeting Patrick, and getting to know him, when and how I did. Because there were three guys in our Music Theory track: one was married, one was stoned half the time...and then there was Patrick. And I was the fortunate woman who ended up catching his eye.

But I wouldn't have ever been able to catch that eye had we not been plunked into the same classrooms together, slogging through the same theory and analysis, and gradually growing closer by the day. Because we helped each other. We made each other laugh. Eventually, we fell in love.

And God, who knew we needed to meet and bond in these particular ways, not only arranged my life and Patrick's, but an academic schedule, so that could happen. When it did. How it did. And to the splendid, heartbreakingly wonderful conclusion it did.

Part of that plan, I know now, was summer school. 

And listening lists.

And Sibelius. 

And God's timing was perfect in all of it.

If anyone ever doubts how much God cares about whether we're happy in His will...this story ought to help reassure you. 

To a musician, timing is everything.

And I praise the Lord who knows that. 🙏

Thoughts?

Janny

Caution...Frissoning Ahead!

For years and years and years, romance novels in particular have used a word I never saw anywhere else: frisson.

As in, "A frisson of unease went through her," or  "A frisson of awareness sparked between them" or the like. While I never ran to the dictionary, the context was usually enough to give me the hint of what a frisson was: a shiver. A tingle. 

Imagine my utter dumbfounded shock, then, when I actually looked it up...to make sure that, if I used it in one of my books, I'd be using it right...and discovered it's a thing.

Something backed up by research, no less.  

And something I've had all my life.

I've always considered myself a bit eccentric for it. I feel music, to a point and at a level I haven't heard many other people talk about much. I know virtuosic artists must feel this to some degree--there's a reason a brilliant player will, in a very real sense, "make love" to his or her instrument. 

But in my ordinary, everyday life, even in music school, I stood out to others for the intensity of the exhilaration and excitement I felt. It was more than merely enjoying music, or loving it--far more. It was an intoxication, a "high" that probably explained why I never dabbled in chemical "highs" of any kind, not even during high school or college.

But as I've grown older, it has an additional component that comes over me when I'm truly making music. Or, as I'm fond of calling it, "kicking musical butt." When I'm in the "zone," in the "flow," or whatever you want to call the results that happen when years of hard work, love, and learning all come to fruition. 

There is truly nothing like the "high" I've felt at those times. 

Like nailing that high A in Gounod's Ave Maria...at 7:30 Mass on Sunday morning.

Or giving the solo on Michael Smith's All Is Well all I had on Christmas Eve...which I did for several years running.

Or pretty much anytime, with anyone, that I can sing the Hallelujah Chorus.

When I've done those things, I've felt a physical chill run down my spine. A subtle one at first. Not dramatic. Just...there.

Now, however--probably because of my "seasoned" status as a music maker--that chill isn't subtle anymore. I'm feeling it regularly. And strongly. Both when singing, and at the piano.

I have a couple of pieces I work on now that I was working on 40 years ago, in school. Yes, 40 years ago. No, I hadn't mastered them yet then, and I was away from the keyboard for enough years that I didn't master them in the interim.

But they're in my blood. And, so, I've hauled them out again--this time, determined to get them under my command, and fit for public consumption.

This hasn't been easy. Because these are not easy pieces.

One of them is the Rachmaninoff Prelude in G Minor. Look it up. It's one of the most awesome things you'll ever spend your hearing on.

Another is the Chopin Waltz in C# Minor, famous for what most of Chopin is so famous for: running lines up and down the keys, this one culminating in a lovely high C sharp at its end.

I've been working these things and working them and WORKING them. Because 40 years away from something usually means you need to reintroduce your hands to it. And, at my age, some of that practice is a bit more challenging, due to arthritis that wants to rob the mastery from my fingers.

I've gradually gotten better, though. To the point where Rachmaninoff is about halfway along, and Chopin is "almost there."

I'm also taking on new stuff I never played before. Grieg Lyric Pieces. Mendelssohn Songs Without Words. Beethoven's Pathetique and "Moonlight" Sonatas. And an Elgar piano reduction of Nimrod, from the "Enigma" Variations, that is loaded with emotion in and of itself.

So, when I play any of this fairly well...? I have to fight off physical shivers. And if you think that's easy...think again.

But I'm welcoming them. Because now I know not only am I not crazy to be feeling these things--there's actually a word for them. An official, recognized, scientific term.  A name for the spell music casts on me, and I try to cast in return.

It's called frisson. And it's real.

So if a day comes when you see me play these things, and my hands are shaking...
...know that reaction probably has little to do with nerves and a lot more to do with an artist trying desperately to keep control of her musicianship while she's breaking out in goosebumps and feeling a chill clear to the roots of her hair.

It's almost scary.

But I hope that, as long as I listen to, learn, and make music...I never lose it.

Thoughts?
Janny