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A Chicago area girl born and bred, I've lived in Mississippi, Montana, Michigan, and...ten years in the wilds of northeastern Indiana, where I fought the noble fight as a book editor. Now, I'm back in Illinois once more...for good. (At least I intend to make it that way!)

Monday, January 30, 2012

To Friend...Or To Unfriend? That Is the Question!

With great social networking freedom comes great responsibility...right?
Hmmm.
Maybe not so much. :-)

A thought on social networking today, who's a friend...and who gets to stay one.

We're all told we need to Be In As Many Places As Possible nowadays. Only problem is, it doesn't really work that way. In truth, we can all only devote so many hours in a day to "networking" of various kinds. (Unless we are vampires and never sleep, in which case we already have our own glittery network, I'm thinkin'.) Anyhow, I'm already active on Facebook, this blog has been going for years, and for business purposes, I've kept an oar in LinkedIn as well. Long ago, however, I trashed my Twitter account, as well as cleaning out a whole raft of Facebook "friends."

Some people would say that by doing that, I'm being a fool. I think not.
But how do you decide if you might need to pull the plug? Who gets to stay...and who has to go?

Well, first things first. If someone's comments or general posts are making you nervous in any way, unfriend 'em. Doesn't matter if you've known them for 40 years; people can change. Mental states can alter. Emotional stuff can make people do weird things. You may have known this person years ago in grade school, but in grade school he or she may not have discovered alcohol yet. :-) If this person is receptive to a private message discussing this problem, and if you can bring the subject up without feeling threatened, by all means do it...but overall, it's probably best to drop them quietly, without fanfare, and don't look back.

Same thing goes for people who irritate you. Again, sometimes these are long-time or old-time friends who've just happened to change in ways that don't jive with you anymore.  Or they're people with whom you've got a couple of things in common, but overall--meh. You're on opposite ends of the political spectrum and they insist on posting stuff that makes your blood boil. Or you're diametrically opposed in your religious views, and they can't resist poking holes in things you hold sacred. If that happens, in reality, you're not "friends" anyway; you haven't got enough in common to enjoy each other's company without hitting upon some topic that gets one of you either defensive or disgusted. Let 'em go.

Yes, I know some people LIKE to have "different" types of friends on their rosters. They claim to like having people with whom they can vigorously, and sometimes acrimoniously, debate things, with the understanding that their friendship is still intact. Or at least they SAY it is. I personally have my doubts, however, as to whether you can continually clash with someone on basic, gut-wrenching issues and yet still consider yourselves "friends." Seems to me that beyond a certain point there become too many disagreements and/or someone gets hurt...which means the friendship doesn't survive anyway.  To me, it's better to step away from the "friendship" that's more a debating society before a painful break makes it unavoidable.

Besides, call me provincial or narrow...but I find there are already tons and tons of STRANGERS willing to attack you for any stand you take on line anyway. Why you want to court this from so-called "friends" in addition to the constant potential for ambush from people you don't even know...frankly, is beyond me. Give me people with whom I share more than a surface couple of commonalities and/or an occupation. Give me people with whom I share at least part of the heart, and to me, that's a much more fitting example of a "friend" I want to keep around.

Sometimes--way more often, I suspect--the people with whom you have this kind of push-pull going are relatives, and you may feel you have no "right" to unfriend a relative. Nonsense. Of course you have the "right" to unfriend them, if they're basically doing little for you but making you want to talk to your silent computer screen and/or gnash your teeth. Dental bills are expensive, and mental health care even more so. Cut 'em loose.

If they get mad? If your action causes some kind of Major Family Explosion? Chances are it'll be a lot of storm and fury, and then it'll blow over and they'll move on to other stuff. If not, and they declare you persona non grata...well, that's not all bad. Think of all the duty visits you won't have to make anymore!

Finally, there's that wonderful (and large) category--people you don't really know, but who know people YOU know and therefore get "suggested" to you as friends. Therein lies a lot--a LOT--of waste of time and space. Not to mention infinite potential for linking up with people who become one of the previously mentioned trouble spots. Even if they're perfectly sweet folks, if you live in two different worlds that never touch...if they're constantly making inside jokes with their real friends that you neither get nor appreciate...what are they doing in your social network? They don't know who you are; you don't really know who they are...and you're not likely to meet in this lifetime and find any of that out. So do they even really belong in your virtual address book?

I'd say no. Not until or unless they come upon you and get interested in you THEMSELVES, through some other legitimate means upon which you can build some common ground. But merely both knowing a third party doesn't constitute that common ground, and in the meantime, these people you neither know nor care about can easily become folks who a) irritate you, b) post stuff that drives you nuts, or even c) start to sound threatening and/or "crazy" in ways you don't want to mess with.  In this case, as Uncle Bobby used to say, "It's better to stay out than try to get out." If you've friended too many people whose real selves you have no clue about...start culling. They won't miss you. You won't miss them. And you really won't miss the clutter and/or guilt about "maybe I should reach out to these people and find out if we actually have anything in common..."

No, you shouldn't. Let 'em go. If an eventual connection is going to happen, it'll happen whether they're already on your "friend" list or not. And when it does happen, it'll be all the sweeter for them not having cluttered your life or said something you wanted to clobber them for earlier. :-)

Sounds harsh? Sounds too narrow? Too restrictive? 
It's not. It's self-care. It's mental health care. And it's choosing not to waste time at the computer arguing with people, trying to show them the error of their ways, or having them blast you for what they perceive as the errors of YOURS. I don't know about you, but the world jangles me enough already; I don't need to solicit more of it. 


Bottom line, I say this as one who's slammed with more than enough to keep her busy: Life's too short to waste a moment of it on third-party conversations that mean nothing, endless YouTube forwards from people who clearly need a life, or folks who consistently show themselves to be schmucks (or who think YOU are one!). I don't need to spend my time on schmucks, and neither do you. Don't let anyone guilt or fear or intimidate you into keeping them around "just in case."

"Just in case" is never gonna come with some of these people, and the kindest thing you can do--both for yourself AND for them--is to click that lovely little "unfriend" button.

You'll be the lighter, and the happier, for it.

Thoughts?
Janny

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Put Weights In Your Shoes Today...

...or you'll end up in Kansas. It's that windy.
Of course, if you do end up in Kansas, say hello to Kim Vogel Sawyer for me! :-)


More to come,
Janny

Friday, January 27, 2012

And the Winners Are...

Yes, there are two of them! Even though I know I sold more than 2 books (please God!), only two of you commented here on the blog...so we've decided to award BOTH commenters a yummy chocolate prize.

So, as they say on The Price is Right, Deb Kinnard and Janka Halcinova....come on down!

(Well, okay, you don't have to "come on down" to Indiana; I'll send your chocolate to you. :-))
NOW...your only dilemma is...dark or milk? 
Let me know, and the DeBrand's Shopping Expedition will commence!
CONGRATULATIONS!
Janny

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Friday...

...is NATIONAL CHOCOLATE CAKE DAY!!

And speaking of chocolate...
We will announce the winners of the DE BRAND'S CHOCOLATE giveaway soon!

Stay tuned!
Janny

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Nope, Nope, and...Nope.

Every now and then, someone writes an article about how all novelists should "learn to write" by writing short stories. Some people even go so far as to say you shouldn't even consider yourself a writer until you've written and sold short stories...and that it's good preparation for novel writing. Saw another one of 'em referred to today,  by a writer who ought to know better, and figured the time has come for someone to speak the other side.

Because that entire notion is BUNK.

People, people, people. This isn't like moving up in school, okay? You don't start with short, "small" things because they're manageable, and then gradually move on to bigger things until you're finally "grown up" enough to write a novel. If that's the case, then all poets should start with haiku and publish lots of that before they think in terms of free verse or even iambic pentameter. (I knew that lovely term would come in handy some day!) But take that notion to its logical conclusion: Imagine if someone had told Shakespeare (or, for you conspiracy theorists out there, whoever-really-wrote-Shakespeare's-stuff) that.  (Of course, knowing Will, he would have had a much better comeback than "bunk," and it would have been unprintable in polite society.) Would we have some of the richest stuff in the English language today?

Probably not.  And it isn't because haiku hadn't been invented yet.

It never ceases to amaze me how this mindset continues to spread and influence young writers. There are probably writers out there who would love to do novels, who have novels burning inside them waiting to get out, but they're forcing themselves to "do their apprenticeship" and write short stories.

Chances are, they'll never get out of that apprenticeship, either. Especially if that's where they're trying to start as newbies.

Why?  


First of all, because it's much, much, MUCH harder to write "short" than it is to write long.
If you ever doubt this, try writing a bunch of those 200- to 300-word articles that content sites want so many of. There's a reason most of them are awful, and it's not just because they tend to be written  by non-English speakers; it's because it's hard to condense a decent, solid amount of information into a small package and have it work well. Skilled writers can do it. But notice that word. SKILLED. As in, not newbies.

"So what?" say the purists. "That's good training. If you can't write your story in a couple thousand words, you don't know it well enough anyway. Get the thing concise. Get it focused. Then you're ready to actually write a book the way it should be written."


There is a whole host of things wrong with that attitude, not the least of which that it's snot-nosed arrogance. But the main thing wrong with it is the second reason that "write short stories first" is bad advice:


Because short stories and novels require two entirely different skill sets and approaches.

"That can't be," moan the pundits among us. "Good writing is good writing. You need to start small and gain command of the language first.  You need to learn how to write short and sharp and..."

Yeah. Sure. Right. You betcha. 
NOT.

If you're a columnist, that advice is spot-on. If you write for the Web, it's even spotter-onner. But what if what's burning to come out of you is a series of sprawling, multi-generational stories about a family with several children, inlaws, outlaws, sisters, cousins, and aunts?  
No matter how skilled you are, telling that story's gonna take more than short story length. Yes, you could write some other "practice" pieces that are shorter, just to "get your feet wet." But why? Why waste your time, your creative juice, and your energy writing something just because someone told you you had to do it that way, when a story is stomping its way through your veins begging to get out?

There is no good reason to do this. No. Not one. NADA. EVER.


You need practice to become a good writer? Of course you do. So practice--but do it in the medium and the word count in which you plan to ultimately make your mark. You'll have plenty of opportunities to do so, and you will learn how to write just as well by focusing on what you love as by focusing on what you're gritting your teeth and telling yourself you have to "get through first" before you can do what you really want. In fact, you'll learn faster doing what you love, because you'll seek out guidance in how to do it properly. You'll hang with other people also wanting to learn how to be novelists. And you'll avoid the tragedy of waking up one morning discovering your writing "juice" is gone because you spent so much time becoming the writer equivalent of the best marathoner in the state...when all you really wanted to do was learn how to perfect the 400-meter hurdles.

Don't do it.

Unless you want to write short stories from day one, and you long for those short-story checks to come in, don't get trapped into thinking one length of story is a necessary prerequisite for the other. Not only is that not true; it can totally screw up your novel-writing learning curve, sometimes forever.

Which--it has to be said--may sometimes be the very point of some of these people telling you to do it in the first place: it removes competition for their novels, also sometimes forever. 
Yes, it's mean. Yes, it's underhanded. But, yes, it also happens. Don't let 'em get away with it.

Write what you want to write, and learn as you do that. If in the course of writing novels, you also discover that you'd like to try your hand at another length, there's time enough to do so. But this isn't grammar school.  You don't have to start with 100 words and "work your way up." That way lies madness, and you'll encounter enough madness in a regular writing career without volunteering for more.

Here's to telling the story in "as long as it takes."

Thoughts?
Janny




Monday, January 23, 2012

Contest Over. (Sigh.) BUT...Good News on Book Options!

Okay...some of you will be chocolate-less for awhile, because I didn't see your combox entries come in for the DeBrand's drawing. I could extend it, but...nah. Ya snoozes, ya loses. :-)
The good news, however, is that Desert Breeze books will soon be available through the Google eBookstore! 

How cool is that?
Added to that some additional venues overseas for the Christian/inspirational lines as well, and it's clear DBP is fast becoming the place to be for overseas and international sales!

Kudos to Gail Delaney for this hard work!

Janny

Saturday, January 21, 2012

...And If You Don't Know This...

You can click on the neato Desert Breeze banner on top of this blog page and go right to the catalog! :-)  So click, shop, read, enjoy...


(heh heh)
Janny 

Thursday, January 19, 2012

The Creative Process...Okay, Mine, Anyway

If you like insights into a writer's creative process on a novel, you might want to stop by Deb Kinnard's blog today and see our conversation about VOI. And then stick around her blog and read all the rest of it. That's an order. :-)

Seriously, stop by and enjoy. It's a pleasure to talk about the creative process, and I know it mystifies a lot of people outside the writing world. No mysteries here...just a few voices from beyond (heh heh) and a whole lot of work in between!

Thanks for reading!
Janny

Monday, January 16, 2012

Sleeping In

Not sure if this means much of anything, but...
At long last, it appears that I'm learning the art of sleeping in. Until sometimes as late as 8:00 AM.
Don't laugh...for several years, I got up between 5:30 and 5:50 AM. It just worked better for me to get to the day gig if I started my day ridiculously early.
Even for awhile once I began freelancing, I was still getting up at 6 or so.
And I kinda like that.

However, in order to do that and not feel like a bad-tempered lummox by 2 PM, I need to be in bed by 9.
(NOW, you can laugh.)


People have pooh-poohed the idea that I would need to be in bed by 9 to get up at 6. 
Someone once said to me, "But that's nine hours!"
I said, "Congratulations. You pass the math test."
The implication, of course, is that no adult needs nine hours of sleep. Growing children, maybe. But adults? Aw, heck, we should be able to get by on five, six max. Right? We're tough. We can't spend our time sleeping our lives away. There's work to be done!

Yeah. Right. While all the time, doctors keep telling us that over 60% of us never get enough sleep.
We qualify, in fact, as sleep-deprived. 
We need eight to nine hours a night, at least most of us do, to fully allow the body to relax, repair, and renew.
How many of us allow it to do that?

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. It's designed to weaken judgment, defenses, and ability to think clearly. Yet millions and millions of us, every day, willingly torture ourselves this way...thinking we're functional.

We're not.


We're underperforming, we're under-achieving, and what's worse...we're under the level of being truly human and truly healthy. We get sick more easily when we don't have enough sleep. We get irritable faster when we don't have enough sleep. We fly off the handle more easily, we have less patience with people and events, we don't tolerate life's ups and downs as well, when we don't have enough sleep. Lack of sleep can break down barriers of all kinds, leading to injuries, accidents, and even depression. It's a major stressor--and yet so many of us consider it a badge of honor to do that to ourselves day after day after day.

Why?

Yes, I know. Job demands. Family demands. World demands.
But maybe...just maybe...it'd be worth it to stop demanding so much of ourselves until we get a little more rest.

Fortunately, I'm able to answer that malady with a change of lifestyle. Even if I can't get to bed at 9 PM, which I often cannot, I can at least sleep in further at the *other* end of the clock. 
Something I'm still getting used to, mind you.

I humbly submit that perhaps one of the best things the business world could do for their overall growth and prosperity would be to slice into the "work" and "face time" hours they expect employees to put in...and allow them to get home in time so that they can be decently present for a few hours before getting to bed at an equally decent hour.

The rise in productivity, I suspect, would be truly amazing.
It only remains for a forward-thinking company to dare to try it.
To let their employees get more done by "trying easier."

Many, many companies pride themselves on trying to make more "holistic" workplaces. They put in conveniences on the job site from day care to beauty salons to gyms or exercise facilities. They offer healthier foods in employee cafeterias. They provide "nap rooms" or encourage employees to walk outdoors on coffee breaks. 

But we all know in our heart of hearts that  a "nap room" at a place of business will never, ever truly make up for the lack of sleep necessitated by long commutes to a job where one's expected to put in 9 hours of face time a day, if not more.
Better to shut the nap room down and tell everyone to go home an hour or two earlier.
It'll pay off in the long run.
And in healthier, happier people overall...which is nothing to sneeze at, either.

It only takes one company to do this. When the others see the fabulous results that will come of it, they'll follow suit.  I can only wonder who'll be brave enough to "go first."

I am, here at CWC place. 
Any other freelancers game to start?

Janny

Sunday, January 15, 2012

~~~I'm So Excited...~~~

Yeah, I know, now that song will be running through our heads the rest of the day. :-)
So be it.
It's LAUNCH DAY for VOICE OF INNOCENCE!!!!!!!

Gitcherself over to Desert Breeze Publishing or Amazon.com and be the first on your block to read it!
Or even the second or third on your block...I won't care. 
Long as you read it, tell your friends, buy lots for early Valentine's Day presents...


Who, me? Overboard?


Janny

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It...

It's finally snowing!
And blowing...
And getting COLD...
And...
it'll be perfect weather to curl up with a Kindle and read a good romantic suspense!


(heh heh)

Head spinning,
Janny

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

P.S.

One of the harder things I've ever done was to go to Mass this evening and pray for Bart, Erin, and Ryann. I did it anyway.

Praying the Rosary before Mass, which of course entailed the Sorrowful Mysteries (since those are prayed on Tuesdays)...now, that was a killer. No pun intended.

Anytime you are thinking of a loved one who's gone, and you're praying the Passion, it stands to be an emotional wringer. This was no exception.

But I hope it has done some good for a soul somewhere...for mine, if for no one else's. :-)

Onward,
Janny

Whining, Music, and Paying Mind

...when I looked at my last post, it unfortunately sounded a bit, as my crit partner would put it, "waily-waily."
It really wasn't meant to be.

But when I search for something like I've been searching for magic--well, sometimes it comes out sounding like I'm wallowing, and I really don't mean to wallow. Not at all.
It was just...sad.

I figured out part of it, however.
At first, I thought it had to do with cutting the ties and moving to Indiana, now seven years ago November. 

But it has more, much more, to do with music.

I had a golden era of singing great Christmas services at St. Matt's, and I miss that to this day.
That era would be no more, even if I returned to St. Matt's tomorrow, as the minister for whom I sang is retired and a whole new pastor, et al, is on hand at the church. In fact, on the rare occasions when we've gone back to St. Matt's for a Mass, we've almost felt like we were surrounded by strangers.

So it's not possible to "go home" and recreate that experience.
Nor is it possible, for many reasons, to duplicate it here.
So that part IS sad. And that part DOES represent magic I've lost.

I needs put some effective substitute in its place, and I simply haven't found that yet.
I hope if I can, that will restore some of the other old magic as well.

We'll see.
In the meantime...there is Choral Union's new season of wonderment to dive into.
That will have to do for the moment. :-)

A Month's Mind
Today, I observe an instance of a lovely Catholic tradition I didn't even know about until I worked in Catholic publishing. It's called "Month's Mind," a special time of prayer for a departed loved one on the one-month mark after his or her death. Often, it entails saying a special Mass for the Dead on that day.

Today is the Month's Mind for Bart.

So if the urge strikes you, say a prayer or two for the repose of his soul. Some of us have prayed virtually without ceasing since December 10th, but prayer is never...ever...amiss.

More to come,
Janny

Monday, January 09, 2012

Wanted...A Return to Magic.

Christmas is, in all senses but the liturgical one, over. 
(Liturgically, the "Christmas season" is not over until the feast of the Baptism of Jesus, which I believe is coming either this Sunday or next. Yeah, I'm a bad Catholic who hasn't memorized the liturgical calendar. So sue me.)
The end of Christmas is sad.

Christmas is my favorite holiday. Or at least it always has been. I get teased about my Christmas spirit, in fact. About having Christmas excitement in July. :-)
Only lately...sometimes...it feels like an act.

Please don't misunderstand me. I do a lot of things for Christmas that I truly enjoy. I bake, I decorate. I'm in charge of putting the lights on the tree, a multi-day endeavor that no one in our family  believes they will ever do as well as Mom does.(!)  I love singing in a Christmas concert, I even love tooling about the stores and looking at Candy Cane Lanes, and a bunch of other things. I want to enjoy every single minute of Christmas, as much as I possibly can.

But for many years, I've been feeling the lack of the "magic" part of Christmas, and I'm trying to get it back.

I can't even explain what I'm missing exactly, but I'll bet some of you are nodding in recognition. Some of you disguise this sadness by muttering, "I hate the holidays...so commercial...we've lost the meaning...it's all just a big stress..." and you at least give lip service to claiming to wish it could be different. You understand, I suspect.

Of course, there are also those of you who say, "Well, Christmas is for children, anyway," or some weak-kneed platitude like that. If you truly believe that latter one, you've missed the point for your entire life, including when you were a child. You don't understand, and you need the magic even worse than the rest of us. :-)

But I need my Christmas magic back, regardless. 


The magic of sitting by the fully-decorated tree, gazing upon the wrapped presents, watching some Christmas special on TV, or listening to Christmas music, drinking hot chocolate...just BEING in Christmas.
The magic of sitting, rapt, looking at the creche. Gazing on the figures, really seeing them.
The magic of taking time to wonder about what Christmas must be like in places I've always wanted to see, places faraway that I only caught glimpses of through Advent calendars from foreign countries.
That magic of spending time paging slowly through Christmas gift catalogs...and remembering when you were a kid, and you wore out the toy section of the Sears book. :-) 
And that breathless magic that takes over when you come into the church on Christmas Eve and it is decked from stem to stern with lights and flowers and evergreens and filled to the brim with music.

Heck, no matter where I am...I need more breathless magic on Christmas Eve, period.

I used to have it. Not so long ago. But I've been noticing it eroding, bit by bit, over the past few years.
So I prayed for it this year. I started praying for it way before Christmas.
What I got was the beginnings of a wonderful season...and then hell broke loose, and we spent the rest of it doing the best we could. 


Again, don't get me wrong. There was a lot I did enjoy.

But the old  "juice" wasn't back the way I remember it.
And I miss it still.

Even a little snow would have helped...but we didn't even have that grace to fall back on. (And is there anything more depressing than rain at Christmastime?)


So now, I've put everything away. The house is back to pre-Christmas normalcy. Gradually, the presents will be integrated into our lives, and I appreciate the thoughtfulness of those things every day.


But something was missing this year, something I still miss.

I want it back.
And it's sad to think that I'll have to wait a whole year more to hope it shows up NEXT time.

Thoughts?
Janny

Friday, January 06, 2012

Going "Within a Yard of Hell"

There's a quote that runs through my mind frequently, usually when I hear the church bells ringing in our neighborhood:

"Some want to live within the sound of church and chapel bell;
I want to run a rescue shop within a yard of Hell."

Lemme tell you something, folks.
I can't say for sure where "within a yard of Hell" would be, although I've certainly seen and been in neighborhoods that come awfully close, if they're not it.
And I've been around people who may well walk that path as their regular route, considering what I've felt, experienced, and heard from them.

So while I admire the bravado and sheer faith of that aspiration above...
...and heroic as that mission is...
...it ain't mine. And I don't want it to be mine. :-)
Call me a coward, call me an indifferent "church lady," or call me what you will...
Give me the church and chapel bell anytime. :-) No contest.

That being said...
writing-wise, at least, I'm about to deliberately start walking a path within a yard of Hell.
I've got a character who is evil. Purely evil.
Psychopathically evil.
And I need to make him convincing. More than that, I need to get inside his smarmy mind and his smarmy skin and make you feel him.
So I'll be walking within a yard of Hell for awhile.
Fortunately, I can come back.
But it ought to be a hell of a trip while I'm there.
Pun intended.

I'd say "wish me luck," but luck doesn't cut it when you're up close and personal with Hell.
I just pray I can carry this thing off.
Because if I can...

(heh heh heh)

Write on!
Janny

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

Gimme Some Sugar!

Way to go BLUE!
 (video: mgoblue.com.)

HAIL TO THE VICTORS!

Janny

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Extra, Extra, Read All About It...

My crit partner, Deb Kinnard, has put up a lovely promo for me and VOICE OF INNOCENCE on her blog. Check it out! Comment on it! Wake the town and tell the people!

(Now, I just need to get that interlude from "TOMMY" out of my head, thanks to the title above. Those of you with a few miles under your belts will understand. And you're probably also singing the next line along with me. Mwah hah haah!)

Janny

Monday, January 02, 2012

Harsh? Who, me?

Thinking I'm starting out the New Year rather snarky?
Nah.
Just to prove it, here are two great quotes running through my head at the moment.

"If God solves your problems, you have faith in God. 
If God doesn't solve your problems, God has faith in you."
Fr. Augustine came out with that one on Sunday morning. Not sure if it was original or not, but I thought it was great. Of course, that man can pack more good stuff into a short sermon than many a priest I know.

And...
"The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit.
The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are."

That, they tell me, is Marcus Aurelius. People who know more about ancient philosophers than I do will no doubt nod and smile...or write and tell me I'm clouded in the head. :-)

Either way, I believe those are two excellent (and non-snarky) thoughts to hold onto this New Year's Monday. So there!

Janny

You Have a "Word" for the Year? REALLY?

OK...I know you mean well. Or at least I hope you do.
Really. 


But seriously...all those of you out there who are choosing your "word" for the year?
As if it's a talisman?
As if it's something God gave you personally to inspire you for the next 365+ days?
As if it's some kind of New Age "charm" you're going to chant to yourself like a mantra?
As if it's not the most meaningless bit of fluffy, self-indulgent nonsense on the planet? 


Trust me. It doesn't matter one whit what your word for the year is.


Talking about it as if it matters--as if there's some secret code that certain of you share, spoken in a clubhouse in which a bunch of you gather once a year and choose "words" to stand for your entire year ahead...


Well, there's only one word for that whole mystifying and, I must admit, annoying process.
And that word is...PRETENTIOUS.
(I'd say "pretentious as hell," but that's THREE words.)


You're not getting anointed words from above, folks. God's done that already. It's called Scripture. Unless you're writing that, the whole assertion that "God" is giving you "a word for the year" as some kind of prophetic "message" borders on the sacrilegious. And that's not a border I'm eager to walk any time soon.


I'm surprised at all the people who are.


"Word" up, people. Words for the year? Sorry. Not good ideas. Unless, of course, you're willing to embrace the rest of the borderline-New-Age philosophy that getting a "key word" upon which to "meditate" implies...or imply that you're getting some kind of "code messages" from God.


Either way? I ain't standing next to you in the next lightning storm.
And you can take THAT word to the bank.


Thoughts?
Janny

Monday, December 26, 2011

(Almost) No One Mourns a Shooter.


On Saturday afternoon, December 10, my daughter's best friend took a gun, shot two people in his house, then turned the gun on himself. In mere minutes, the life of Bart Heller was over.

But the pain he would leave behind was just beginning.

Suicide is a cruel thing for many reasons. It's, of course, the cruelest thing one can do to oneself, and I truly believe that no one can kill himself without being, at least momentarily and partially, out of his mind. The folklore from crime and cop shows is that fully half of suicides change their minds when it's already too late. They've stepped out of the window, they've swallowed too much poison, or the gun has gone off.

I find myself wondering if Bart regretted his decision when it was already too late. I don't like to dwell on that question too much, for obvious reasons.

But that's only one of the questions I have. One of the things that Bart left unanswered. 

None of us will ever know exactly why this brilliant, volatile man took this step, ending two other lives with his. Some people are falling back on a "depression" explanation, but that's not entirely it, either. I've lived with depressed people. I know they can get suicidal. But there's a wide chasm between thinking about it and doing it, and Bart seems to have stepped across that chasm in a matter of moments. Just the day before, he had indicated to Jess that, while he was down, hurting, and angry, he was going to self-medicate a bit—take a "knockout cocktail" which would basically ensure he'd be unconscious for most of two days. He'd wake up Monday sick as a dog, but he'd wake up. And he'd go on.

Something changed in that plan somewhere between Friday evening and Saturday afternoon, even though he clearly led Jess to believe that he was literally going "down for the count" late Friday. What happened to change that—or whether he deliberately deceived her out of a last effort to "spare" her anything or reveal what he truly had in mind—I'll never know.

And that's why suicide is so cruel. Because there are so many questions that will never be answered.

So many of us will wonder, for the rest of our lives, if we could have saved him. If one word from us, one more text message, one phone call to the Fort Wayne police a few moments sooner, or one check-in that morning might have made a difference. Perhaps those two people he killed would still be alive if we had done something…said something…made a different decision…

And that's cruel.

It is unspeakably, exquisitely cruel to put people who love you through that. Which is why many people, when confronted with a suicide, blast the person who left them behind for selfishness. Indeed, there is an element of selfishness in it. Bart, for better or worse, is through with the pain he endured on earth. The rest of us are left wondering how he was in so much pain that we either didn't see or couldn't help him deal with. But the fact is, whatever his final destination is for eternity, he has left this world's angst, confusion, and rejection behind. From the sound of it, he had a lot of that to deal with over his life. A lot of wounds. A lot of demons.

In the end, he couldn't lick them.

I've never known a killer before. I never thought in this lifetime I'd know one. But I welcomed into my home and my life a man who, as his final act, committed a double murder and then took his own life. Nothing that comes after this will nullify that fact. Nothing will excuse it. Nothing will assuage the pain of it except the balm of time…and forgiveness.

And that's also a cruel burden to leave behind on people who loved you. Not to mention people who loved the people you killed.

Perhaps I'm in denial, but I don't believe Bart killed these people out of a premeditated, cold anger. I believe he killed one of them because she was what he saw as his last hope for love…and she backed away…and the pain cut too deep for him. Certainly, he had invested too much emotional currency into that relationship. It was too new to have meant either life or death to him, as it ended up meaning.

I would have told him so. I sensed there was too much of his very self being placed into one young woman's hands. But I didn't. I was so tickled to see him happy—radiant, in fact—that I decided to let those thoughts be. I had no idea how fast things went south. Had I known, I would have reached out to him and said, "Talk. Just talk about it. I don't care what you say, but don't hold this inside. It'll kill you."

I didn't know. Maybe because I wasn't a great enough friend. My daughter was, but she felt he was coping. He'd get through it. He'd be in hell for a while, but he'd come out of it.

He didn't. And that's a cruel thing for both of us to live with.

As for the other man who died, I can't begin to guess what was going on in those last fatal moments; I didn't know him, and I cannot make a judgment on that. But I would almost bet my own life that Bart acted out of little more—and certainly nothing  less—than a blinding, searing hurt that made him just want to lash out at the people he saw as contributing to that pain and end it, once and for all.

That's a cruel thing to go through in any life. Or in any death.

Where do I believe Bart is spending eternity? I prayed for him in life, and I continue to pray for him in death. There's an irony—a cruel irony—to praying that a killer goes to heaven in the end. Of course, I pray they all fall under mercy; I would pray that under any circumstances, even for total strangers.

But in Bart's particular case, I pray especially that Jesus was able to touch him in those final moments.

Because no one mourns a shooter.
Except those of us who knew him as more—much more—than that.

Requiescat in pace.

Janny